


Going, and Getting, Through

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, alex being gaaaay, i didn't mean to write this but whew boy i am into it now, kara in gay denial, lena being her gay accomplice, ohhhh my god
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 14:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “I know what you’re going through, Ms. Danvers," Lena says. "If you ever need someone to talk to, someone -”“You have no idea,” Alex hisses between clenched teeth.Lena raises a brow, offers her a thin, mirthless smile. “I do, actually. I’ve been through it - all of it.” The struggle to discover and define who you are, being rejected, falling for unobtainable women. Yes, oh yes, Lena knows.Or: Alex's gay awakening is a hard, confusing path...and Lena Luthor takes it upon herself to help her navigate it.





	

* * *

 

Something is bothering Kara. It’s easy to tell, what with the worried crease in the blonde’s brow, the way she tunes in and out of conversation with a faraway look in her eyes, and, most tellingly, the fact that she hasn’t smiled once since she entered Lena’s office.

 

When Lena asks her about it, Kara’s reluctant to share. It takes careful, gentle prodding, but Lena gets her answer. It’s Kara’s sister, who has “realized something about herself” and “put herself out there” and “gotten rej- uh, hurt.” And Kara’s proud of her, “really, really proud,” but she doesn’t know what to do, how to make it better. “I want to help, but I’m not - I don’t -” Kara huffs, adjusting her glasses, a nervous habit. “I guess I don’t know much about…this type of thing.”

 

Kara doesn’t go into any further detail, but Lena Luthor is no idiot and Kara, bless her kind heart, has not exactly been subtle. She puts two and two together quickly and comes to the conclusion that Kara’s sister just came out. (And her heart kind of stutters at Kara’s last words - __I’m not, I’m not, I’m not__ echoes painfully in her head - and maybe Lena is an idiot.)

 

Lena resolves to be a Good Friend (she hasn’t really had much opportunity to be one, in the past, what with her…low friend count, but that is neither here nor there). She’ll talk to Alex Danvers. Because Kara might not be gay or tragically head over heels for someone out of her reach, but Lena. Well.

 

*

 

It’s almost a week later when they finally run into each other. Lena is dropping by Kara’s work under whatever pretense of the week she’s scrounged up, and Kara isn’t at her desk. Her sister is, leaning her hip against the edge, arms crossed and a moodiness about her that makes even Lena hesitate. But only for a moment.

 

“Kara’s in a meeting,” Alex says curtly by way of greeting. She glances up to meet Lena’s eyes, but Lena has the distinct feeling she’s being looked down on. It’s bothersome, but not enough to throw Lena off.

 

Lena clears her throat. “...I’d like to speak with you, actually.”

 

Alex’s eyes narrow and she stands tall, waiting. And oh, it’s awkward, so awkward, but Lena presses on. She tells Alex, succinctly because she can tell the brunette appreciates such things, what she’s heard, what she knows.

 

Alex’s voice is cold, her expression is cold, the very air around her drops in temperature. “Kara told you.”

 

Lena is so much better equipped to deal with cold rather than awkward. She straightens, and is very glad she’s wearing heals. “No. She just said she was worried, that you were going through something she didn’t know how to help you with. I hypothesized the rest.” Alex looks mollified, but only slightly. Lena continues. “I know what you’re going through, Ms. Danvers. If you ever need someone to talk to, someone -”

 

“You have no idea,” Alex hisses between clenched teeth.

 

Lena raises a brow, offers her a thin, mirthless smile. “I do, actually. I’ve been through it - __all__ of it.” The struggle to discover and define who you are, being rejected, falling for unobtainable women. Yes, oh yes, Lena knows.

 

Alex scoffs, blowing her off. She watches the other woman nod to herself, eyes searching before bidding her a good afternoon and to keep her words in mind. Alex watches her go, watches the sway of her hips before she catches herself. Alex doesn’t trust Lena Luthor, not like Kara does. She can get through this on her own, with Kara’s help. She’s survived a hell of a lot worse.

 

*

 

Except… It’s hard. So much harder than Alex thought it would be. Working with Maggie kills her now, every smirk, every smart (or smartass) comment, the way they fit together but only as friends, not the ‘something more’ Alex so desperately wants wanted. And there’s this new part of her, this “I like girls and maybe that’s okay” part of her that Alex needs to explore. Alex wants to go out, or go play softball, or go to a dog park, or whatever it is other gay women do (she doesn’t know! she doesn’t know, and Kara doesn’t know. Maggie would know, but Alex can’t - won’t - ask her). Kara is lovingly sweet but clueless, and every time Alex brings up something gay, there’s something in Kara that seems…off. Uncomfortable.

 

So finally, Alex calls. Lena Luthor. She calls a Luthor. If she was anywhere near her right mind, she wouldn’t have. But it had been a long day (they had all been long days, recently) and she's already two shots of whiskey into trying to forget it. She had punched their suspect, a real a-hole of a guy, flat in the face. Maggie had grinned, making a quip about not getting on her bad side before her expression fell and -

 

“Hello?” Lena answers. She sounds tired. Alex turns to check the clock on her living room wall.

 

“Shit, I didn’t realize it was this late, god I’m so-” She’s fumbling to hang up because it’s 1 in the morning and how could she be so thoughtless, so stupid-

 

“Please, Ms. Danvers,” Lena says, cutting Alex off softly but firmly. “I’m glad you called.”

 

Alex is skeptical but Lena sounds like she actually means it. And then she asks how Alex is doing, and Alex takes in a sharp, shaky breath. Something in her crumples, like all this time her walls have been made of sand and the tide has finally, in this late hour of heartbreak, caught up with her. Suddenly everything is rushing out, about Maggie, about the kiss, about the little pieces of memories she’s started to uncover that make sense now, about dog parks and softball and pool and how Maggie is so terrifically horrible at it.

 

When she’s done, she feels empty, drained, and that’s when the embarrassment kicks in. Before she can wallow in it, however, Lena fucking Luthor invites her for coffee. At - Alex cringes - 3 a.m.

 

She agrees. Even she isn’t rude enough to refuse the invitation of someone she’s just ranted to for two hours at the ungodliest of hours. She agrees to meet Lena at a nearby Starbucks (open 24 hours, god Alex loves National City sometimes). She berates herself as she pulls on a jacket and walks the few blocks in the pleasantly brisk night air.

 

Lena Luthor shows up almost thirty minutes later, the slightest of bags under her eyes but otherwise exactly as polished and put-together as she always is. Alex can’t find it in herself to find it annoying, or even surprising.

 

She buys her coffee first, and then walks over with two drinks in hand, placing one in front of Alex, next to her near-empty latte. “I figured you could use a refill,” she explains, simply.

 

They sit in silence for awhile, which should be awkward and is, a little, not as much as Alex expects. Lena seems distracted, her eyes keep drifting to her phone, which sits face-down on the small table between them.

 

“I’m sorry,” Alex says at last, because it needs to be said. She feels sorry, and tired, and embarrassed, and…grateful, just a sliver.

 

“Nonsense. I offered, and I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t mean it.” It’s a frank, no-frills response that could’ve been cutting, but Alex found it reassuring. “I’m happy to lend an ear, Ms. Danvers.”

 

“Alex,” she says before she can think twice about it. Lena quirks a brow, but Alex continues. “Just call me Alex. Since I…bared my soul to you, or whatever.”

 

Lena nods, smiling at her. She’s about to reply when her phone buzzes. Lena flips it over, reads the text message, and her smile widens. She stands, grabbing her coffee, and insists that Alex comes with her. Alex wants to ask __where__ , but there’s a glint in Lena Luthor’s eye, and combined with her smile…Alex finds herself following the dark-haired woman rather than protesting.

 

Lena drives them in one very nice, very expensive looking car. Alex settles into one of the leather seats and stares out the window, trying to guess by the passing city blocks where they’re going. Lena switches on a playlist, and it takes Alex three songs before she realizes it’s all women singing about other women. She shoots a glance at Lena, who is humming along with a little smile on her face, eyes glued to the road ahead.

 

They arrive at a little brick building on the edge of town. There’s one other car in the parking lot, the owner of which is loitering near the front doors of the building, yawning into his hand. As they walk up to him, Alex reads the words hanging above the door. National City Animal Shelter.

 

“What-?” She can’t hide her confusion. Lena Luthor, tycoon businesswoman, has taken her to an animal shelter at 4 in the morning?

 

“It’s not a dog park,” Lena says, smiling at the man as he unlocks the door and handing him - yes, that is a wad of cash. “But it was the best I could do, in the middle of the night, on short notice.” They walk towards a hallway in the back where a sign points ‘dogs’, the lights clicking on automatically as they go. “Though I don’t know how you got it in your head a dog park is where gay women congregate.”

 

Alex laughs, because it __is__  absurd, hearing it out loud. “I…don’t know.” She falters as they near the kennels in the back, the dogs stirring in their sleep, some poking their heads up and eyeing them as they entered. “I don’t really know anything about…this.” She sighs, kneeling and wiggling her fingers between the chain-link of the kennel door. The dog, a brown-haired lab, stretches and idles over, licking her palm. “I don’t even know where to start.” It’s a more open, more vulnerable admission than she’d meant for it to be.

 

Lena smiles down at her softly, her eyes shining with understanding. “Perhaps a gay bar? There’s a nice one down on 1st that has ladies’ nights on Fridays. I’ve been meaning to go back for awhile now.”

 

Alex wants to say __It’s a date__ , but she’s not about to put herself out there like that again. So instead, she says, “That sounds nice.”

 

Lena beams down at her. “Wonderful.”

 

*

 

They start hanging out. It’s weird. Alex can’t quite wrap her head around it, not at first. Lena Luthor. Of all the people she never thought voluntarily spend time with, a Luthor ranked high up there on that list. Sure, Lena was Kara’s friend, but she was her __suspicious__  friend who Alex should definitely be very wary of.

 

Except, well, Lena is kind of a dork. (An attractive one, no doubt - Alex is gay and she has __eyes__ , even if her heart is…somewhere else.) Lena’s eyes light up whenever they start talking science. She laughs at horrible jokes (often Kara’s, on the few times the three of them are together) that Alex cringes at. And…she’s __lonely__. Alex can see it sometimes, the aching hope and wistfulness, the way the Luthor bites her lip and tries to put up walls that have so many cracks that, Alex thinks, you’d have to be blind not to see through. Alex wonders how many friends the other woman has had over the years, and with a pang thinks it’s probably around the same number she’s had.

 

And Alex could really use another friend right now.

 

So, yeah, they hang out. Doing “gay” things mostly, because Alex feels like this door has been opened in her life, to this beautiful room and she wants to fill it with rainbows. Or something.

 

They don’t go out to the bar, not for awhile. Alex gets skittish. She’s not sure she’s ready. And Lena seems to understand, because she doesn’t force her. So instead they watch lesbian movies (there’s so many, Alex never realized) and eat popcorn and talk about which actresses they had crushes on growing up. Alex…remembers things. Feelings. Had she known, when she was a teenager watching __Xena__ , what this warmth in her chest meant? Is that why she’d forgotten it so carefully?

 

Thankfully, Lena doesn’t ask about Maggie, not directly. Alex asks her how she knew she was gay, and after a long pause Lena tells her about a girl at boarding school, about first loves and first heartbreak and mistakes and moving on. There’s an old sadness tugging at the corners of her red lips, but it’s gone quick as a flash.

 

It doesn’t get easier with Maggie. Alex still has feelings for her, despite her best efforts to bottle them away. But Alex gets stronger, more confident, so that even when it hurts, she knows she’ll be okay, eventually. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough to get her through each day. And she takes pride in the fact that she’s slowly becoming the person she’s meant to be, that she deserves to be, pain or no.

 

Kara notices. Her sister notices that she’s growing, notices that she’s not spending as much time with her as a result. Kara smiles, a happy-sad smile, a question in her eyes. Alex doesn’t know how to tell her that she’s been having gay hang outs with Kara’s friend without making it sound…awkward.

 

Kara finds out, after awhile. It…doesn’t go well.

 

*

 

Lena and Alex end up going to the bar. The __gay__  bar. Alex was nervous and excited and like she sometimes did when she was either of those things, she drank. So Alex was drunk and at a __gay__  bar with her __gay__  friend and she was getting checked out and hit on by __gay__  women while __gay__  music was blasting. She felt like something enormous had been lifted off her shoulders, like she was weightless here, lingering on the edge of the crowded dance floor. Like she was free.

 

And so she danced. With a lot of women, then with Lena. At the height of one of a pounding, take-no-prisoners paced song, she presses in close and kisses Lena. For a lot of reasons: because she’s drunk, because she’s happy, because Lena is soft even though she looks sharp and she hasn’t stopped smiling the entire night. But most of all: because she __can__. Because that’s __okay__.

 

They stay for hours, but then it’s last call and the music dies and people start to leave. Alex’s euphoria slowly fades into a kind of giddy afterglow. She and Lena go back to her apartment and when she unlocks her door…Kara’s there.

 

“Alex, there you are, I texted -” Kara sits up on the couch, turning towards her and her eyes widening when she takes them both in. “Oh.”

 

“Kara,” Lena greets, trying to discreetly rub at her slightly smudged lipstick. “It’s good to see you.” There’s the tiniest hint of strain in her voice, like maybe seeing Kara, or having Kara see her, was the last thing she wanted right now.

 

Kara nods, and keeps nodding, her eyes darting back and forth between Lena and Alex. “Y-yeah, uh…seeing you…both, together, at the same time, is uh…g-good. Great.”

 

The strain is now visible on Lena’s face. “Right. I’m…going to head home.” She turns to Alex and gives her a small smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I had fun tonight, Alex. I’m glad we went.” And, apparently aware that that didn’t sound altogether too convincing, she reaches out a hand and squeezes Alex’s arm reassuringly. Her eyes sweep back and forth between the two sisters. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight,” Alex echoes, watching her leave before turning back to Kara, who by this time has stood up and wandered closer.

 

Kara’s eyes are on Alex’s arm. “I didn’t know you two were…friends,” she mumbles. Something in her expression looks lost.

 

Alex nods, brows knitting together. “Yeah, we’ve been…hanging out.”

 

“That’s…nice.” Though you wouldn’t be able to tell by Kara’s tone of voice. “Where did you two go? Just now, I mean.”

 

Alex knows what she means. “A bar.” And then, because she can’t help it, she adds, “A gay bar.”

 

Kara’s nose scrunches, and she looks confused. “Alex, Lena’s really nice, but she’s not - gay.”

 

Alex snorts, thinking back to the dance floor, thinking back to the press of Lena’s body against hers, to Lena’s hand cupped to her cheek, to Lena’s tongue in her mouth, to - “Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure she is, Kara.”

 

Kara’s brows quirk. “How do-” Her gaze zeros in on Alex, and she immediately notices the hand Alex has subconsciously brought to her lips. Her face falls. “You kissed her.” She accuses, and she sounds angry.

 

Alex is about to respond, but Kara won’t let her.

 

“How could you? Alex, Lena is my friend!” Kara’s blue eyes glint. And yes, she’s definitely angry, but there’s something else, something more. Hurt. Sadness. It doesn’t make sense.

 

“Kara, I know that. I-”

 

“Are you two __dating__?” Kara asks, relentless, crossing her arms.

 

Alex frowns. “No, we’re just friends.” And it’s true. Lena is nice, surprisingly, but they’re friends. Kiss notwithstanding. But it was a nice kiss, so maybe it should be withstanding? Alex doesn’t know. “Does that matter?”

 

Kara throws her hands up. “Yes! It matters! It matters to me.” She trails off with a frown.

 

“Why?” Alex asks, but oh my god she thinks she knows why, she thinks she can see it in Kara’s discomfort, in her blush, oh my god.

 

“I…” Kara’s frown deepens, and her confused look returns. She turns away. “I don’t know.”

 

But Alex does. Oh god, does she ever.


End file.
